A peek into the ever-shifting landscape of the dating minefield.

We’re living in an unprecedented age of dating apps and the ever-shifting landscape of the dating minefield. We now have more choices than ever, more opportunities to meet various specimens of our preferred genders— all within reach of our phones. That should make things easier, right?

Not so much. (But that’s a story for another day.)

If nothing else, dating apps open our eyes to the types of candidates out there and help us realize what exactly we’re looking for. They’re also a source of simultaneous entertainment and angst.

Having swiped and Bagel’d and conversed on these apps, I’ve found that the candidates typically fall under the following categories, give or take a couple of exceptions:

The Poser

Nothing wrong with wanting to put your best face forward, of course. But the Poser is something else. He’s the one who uses a shot of his Rolex watch, of his fancy dress shoes, or of himself with a flashy sports car as his profile picture.

If all else fails, there are more pictures of him living it up at a rooftop bar or staring into the distance at some exotic locale. He’s waiting for you to ask him about all those things, so make sure you don’t leave anything out.

The Monosyllabic Guy

He usually starts the convo with a “hey”, and then proceeds to ask “whassup” when you decide to take a chance and engage with him.

He appears to have no desire to form any kind of relationship, and typically kills any conversation you attempt to engage him in. A sample conversation goes as such:

Me: So how did you get into [hobby listed in profile]?

Him: It just sort of happened.

Me: Are you more of an outdoorsy person or an artsy one?

Him: Both.

Me: Oh. Well, that’s nice.

Him: Yeah.

To be fair, we know some guys are “not good at texting”. But we’re just looking for a little bit of effort here.

The DTF Guy

There’s nothing subtle about this one. And chances are, you’ve come across at least one of these guys during your foray. Shirtless photos, close-up shots of biceps or abs (or anything further south) — basically NSFW pictures that are all body and no face.

The DTF Guy will make things pretty clear in his bio by telling you the only reason he’s on the app.

The Shady AF Guy

His profile pictures never show his face, and his bio reveals nothing about him. He’s a mystery wrapped in an enigma — and frankly, we just don’t care to know more about you if you don’t care to present at least a little of yourself.

The On-the-Rebound Guy

He just came out of a several-year long relationship and is turning to dating apps to a) fill the void, b) distract himself, and c) look for a rebound partner. You might be hitting it off with him now, but the minute his ex comes knocking again, he’s ditching you for her faster than you can say, “Call me maybe.”

The Boy-Next-Door

He’s on the app because his parents are pressuring to get married soon. Despite that, he actually seems pretty wholesome and normal, and is able to carry a conversation like a human being. You might have a shot with him if you’re looking to settle down.

The Hard-to-Get Guy

The most elusive of the bunch, he’s really hot but for some reason has not messaged you. This is intriguing and makes you want him more. How can someone so hot and eligible still be single? But obviously he isn’t lacking in choices — he’s just looking for an ego boost by seeing how many girls will pick him.

The Take-Whatever-I-Can-Get Guy

He’s the one who swipes right on everyone just to see what comes bouncing back. He’s also the one who barely puts in any effort in conversations, because he has so many other options. Basically, he’s going for the lowest-hanging fruit.

The Ghoster

Have you ever met someone you really like, only to have them completely drop off the face of the earth? You two seem to be having a semblance of a decent conversation going, and then — nothing. He leaves your last text hanging, maybe even seen-zones you, leaving you befuddled as to what went wrong or why he decided to cut off communication abruptly.

Loads of people do this, thanks to the plethora of options available to us and how easy it is for us to reach for the most convenient method of backing out of a conversation, common decency be damned.

Whatever the reason you got ghosted— maybe he isn’t interested anymore, decided you two were incompatible, or simply lacks the maturity to communicate his thoughts like a grown adult — just remember that you don’t have to grovel for anyone’s interest or attention. Don’t waste your time!

The Friend

Despite the many problematic types of people you come across on dating apps, there remains a sliver of hope — you might actually meet a decent human who isn’t creepy, horny, or laden with emotional baggage.

The Friend is someone you have great conversations with, and you two may seem to be on the same wavelength and hit it off. Unfortunately, your dates just don’t lead anywhere romantically.

Still, it’s nice to know that there are nice, normal guys out there who are interesting and respectful of women. Even if nothing romantic comes out of that connection, at least these newfound friends make sifting through all the slush on dating apps worth it.

Have you met any of these people on dating apps?

Tell us your best (or worst) online dating story in the comments section below!